It's Christmas everyone! I didn't think we'd have one this year because those damn secularists want to take away this season of goodwill and arrest anyone who says "Merry Christmas". Well that's what you'd think if you watch Fox News in America. Every year, regular as clockwork, they resurrect the zombie lie that is the War on Christmas. Now as a secularist, I am obviously on the front lines of this "conflict" and I must say, it has been an absolute disaster! Christmas is still as popular as ever! Hell it's almost as if there is no War on Christmas! For clarification, I will be focusing on America because most other countries don't seem to kick up a fuss.
A quick search on wikipedia has shown me that there are five holidays celebrated on 25th December. It is the last day of Pancha Ganapati, a Hindu festival in honour of Ganesha who is revered as the remover of obstacles. It is also the start of Hanukkah, the Jewish festival of lights. In Pakistan, they celebrate Quaid-i-Azam's Day in honour of the Quiad-i-Azam (Great Leader) and founder of their country Muhammad Ali Jinnah. We secularists have Newtonmas which is a celebration of Isaac Newton's birthday. Now I'd be surprised if any of those holidays received even a fraction of the attention as the fifth holiday: Christmas Day. If there is a war on Christmas, it seems to be at best ineffective and at worst counter-productive. Perhaps we are using the wrong weapons to bring Christmas down... Wait what exactly are we doing?
It seems the secularists have three weapons they like to use. The first isn't so much a weapon, but a lack of compliance. Some people don't put the Christmas lights up on their house. Yes that's step one. Then I guess peer pressure then causes the neighbours to take down their lights and we have a domino effect from there. This would be ingenious were it not for the fact the those without lights are in the minority and a lack of lights is seen by most of us as lacking in any kind of importance. What else do the secularists do? Well they oppose placing nativity scenes in public places. Well this is not entirely true. They simply point out that if one religion gets to display a scene from their religion, the other religions and secularists too. Hindu's should be allowed to place something honouring Ganesha, Secularists should be able to place a statue of Isaac Newton in the public space. I think America has something that states that is the way things should be done, it's called the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. So our final weapon is perhaps the worst of all. The secularist will bid farewell with two bone-chilling words: Happy Holidays. This is what really frightens the Fox News viewer because Christmas is lumped in with the other holidays as if it isn't special! They fail to see that us secularists simply want to wish people celebrating any and all holidays a good one, even those who celebrate Christmas! What I'm saying is: Get a grip!
Look if you really want to be mad at someone for ruining Christmas, I know who to blame. That person is Saint Nicholas. He is the basis for one Santa Claus who has taken Christmas away from Jesus. The Dutch must take some blame for their depiction of St. Nicholas or Sinterklaas. Coca-Cola must also hold their hands up as they really push this Santa Claus on the public. Parents the world over who tell their children to behave for Santa are guilty in this too! Their war on Christmas has been much more successful than ours!
Wait a minute. I'm being an idiot! There is no war on Christmas! You can't escape it! Christmas songs everywhere, Christmas films, Christmas specials of TV Shows, do I need to go on? You know what, I won't. I'll end here by say Happy Holidays!
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